I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
God, I missed his penis.
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