is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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