Kiss
Puke
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
