Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
