i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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