I haven't been this sober since birth.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
