The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
