You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
