just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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