I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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