is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
