TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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