Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Randomize
