Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
