Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
