new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
