I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
