Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
