hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize