the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
