I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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