I feel like I'm in dance class right now
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize