Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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