I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
