Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize