She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
