dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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