hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it was like his penis was on wheels.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
