I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
