My room smells like vodka and shame
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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