I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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