when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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