do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
