Please, let me fuck your mom
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
