he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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