Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
