my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
