Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
