nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
