I just threw up on my dentist
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
