Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
