party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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