apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
