Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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