I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
