i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
