oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
