I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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