I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
