me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
