Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
