I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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