You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
