I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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