someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
