I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize