I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
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